A Sad Day

Today, my sweet daddy would have been 57 years old....its been almost two years since he passed and it still hurts the same. Lately, I have really been struggling with missing him and second guessing myself over his care and if I could have done anything else to help him(although I know I shouldn't). People tell me that it gets better with time...you never quit missing them, but that you get to a point where you don't bust into tears when something makes you think of them.......I know that will come with time. I decided to re-post what I wrote last year because I feel the same today. This is just my way of dealing with things....................

I contemplated blogging about this because it is a rather personal thing, and I try to only blog about Holden and other happy things. However, I thought this could be a good way for me to release what I am feeling and be able to deal with it a little easier. "My therapy" I guess you could say. He went on to Heaven on November 26 of last year, and it has been hard to deal with at times and this occasion is one of those hard times. My daddy was a wonderful daddy and friend! I have the best memories of him! He was a very involved daddy and always made time to do things with me. I was a daddy's girl....his hugs could make the worst hurts somehow feel better. November 2007 was a tough month and watching my big, strong daddy become so frail was one of the hardest things. We had some good visits over that month. I kick myself a lot with "if i had only" or "i should have done..." Losing him was the toughest thing I have ever experienced. The thought of never seeing him again takes my breath and hurts like nothing has ever hurt before. But, I know that it is a part of life. I think the hardest thing for me is knowing Holden will never know his pops! Daddy was so excited about becoming pops...he would tell anyone in the hospital that I was pregnant, although I was barely showing. He talked about what all he wanted to do with his grand baby and he would be loving every minute with Holden now. I do see my daddy each time I look at my precious little boy because Holden has his eyes, just like me. I know daddy watches over us and that it is a little selfish of me to want him here on Earth, but I am only human. Sometimes a girl needs her daddy, even when she is all grown up. But, I do know that he is in a much better place, where he no longer hurts and can play all the golf he wants and watch all the football he wants, and I bet he is talking the ear off of anyone who will sit still long enough. I have peace in knowing that I will see him again one day. Anyways, I could go on and on but I don't want to get bogged down. I love and miss him very much!!

Our last Christmas together....2006